he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
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... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
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I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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