I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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