I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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