dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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