I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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