his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
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I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
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I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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