Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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