two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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