i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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