genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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