for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
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I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
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His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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