Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
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