No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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