He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
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I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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