Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize