Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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