you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
birth control should be required to get into college
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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