im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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