Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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