If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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