I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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