So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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