While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
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He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
How did I end up in the pool?!
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We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
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And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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