I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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