I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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