i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
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