we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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