Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
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She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
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I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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