Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
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