He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
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Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
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There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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