theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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