literally had 100 drinks last night.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
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No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
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I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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