Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
