It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
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you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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