I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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