He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
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you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
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He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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