Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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