you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
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But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
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Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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