What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
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she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
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You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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