Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
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