Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
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I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
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They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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