Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
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I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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