woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize