he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
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You have to summon your inner elephant
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
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you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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