Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
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At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
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cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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