note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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