New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
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I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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