I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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