i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I touched a dick in church today
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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