Dude my mom stole all your condoms
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
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Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
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You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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